Monthly Archives: January 2013

SHIT STORM.

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I sometimes can’t believe how absolutely unlucky we are. And in the next breath, I can’t believe how lucky we are.

Our carbon monoxide detector went off. Our heater is on the fritz, which means no heat until our landlord replaces it. It’s been between the negatives and 17* outside. Brilliant timing. Half of the outlets in our kitchen just stopped working. Of course it’s the fridge. Now my fridge is running on an extension cord until that gets fixed. With a tiny toddler running around. Uh
… okay. Okay fine. No heat, extension cord but at least we have the fridge to keep the food we do have, because I already overspent our food budget and there’s still 10 days before it gets replaced. Okay fine. Now the bathroom sink just stops draining. All of a sudden. And there’s a drip. So by morning my sink is on the verge of overflow. So I wake up to a carbon monoxide detector going off, immediately losing all the heat in my house, no fridge, and an overflowing sink.

But at least we have each other.

How many times can that tide me through rough times? When do we get a break?!

Please, Lord, let it come soon.

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SCHOOL’S OUT (IN) FOR SUMMER (WINTER)

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Papa started school again today, which is awesome and sucks all at the same time. It’s awesome because every semester is one semester closer to our future, but I’ve definitely enjoyed being able to spend time together the last few weeks. Plus he’s SUPER helpful with housework and that’s been a major perk. Today was weird, it’s too cold to play outside so I didn’t really know what to do with myself all day. Logan and I practiced pouring water from container to container and played a lot of cars. I’m pretty sure he’s having a growth spurt and he’s CRANKY about it so there’s a lot of kangaroo care going on.

I’m really excited, in a few weeks we’ll be starting some home improvement projects that have been on the to-do list for months and months. I doubt I’ll share too many photos, our house uhhh sucks but we’re going to make the best of it here until we can buy one of our own.

Logan’s nursery is about to become an honest to goodness bedroom, a Montessori styled toddler room to be exact. I may share that. Hopefully it will be so AWESOME that he’ll even sleep in it. Hah.

I’m in a pretty positive place right now, which is kind of new. I can’t wait for the seasons to come.

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I’ve also been really on top of our food, I made my first ferment (dilly beans) which was hugely successful so I’m fermenting sauerkraut now. Hopefully it will be
equally successful. I also made really good bread. Not just okay bread, really really good bread. I’m so proud.

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Mental illness and being a mom.

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I am a mom.
I am mentally ill.

Very recently, an old friend of mine who has a baby 15 days younger than mine publicly stated “I am an addict. I am an alcoholic. I am going to receive treatment. This is the first day of the rest of my life.” It was incredible and inspiring to see such brutal honesty, to see her put so much of her ugliness out there for the world to see. Of course, there was an immediate outpouring of well deserved (and needed) support. She will get through this because she has so much support and so much to live for.

So after an “IncIdent” I sat on that and let it run through my head for a few days, I was pulled to this post more and more. To put myself out there and make myself publicly accountable.

I am mentally ill. I have bipolar disorder. I will receive treatment. This is the first day of the rest of my life.

I have lived with this for all of the life I can remember. When I was younger, I was just told that I was “anxious” and that I would likely “grow out of it” during puberty. That has not been my experience.

I continue to have “fits” to this day. I was terrified that I would suffer post partum depression after Logan’s birth and was so thankful when I had not. I hoped maybe pregnancy had pushed my hormones in line and maybe the worst would be behind me. That seemed to be the case until last week. Last week, before even ten AM, shit just hit the fan. I had planned to describe the ugliness in full detail, but that’s a little too much exposure for me. Just know that it was hideous, but luckily my amazing husband was home and we all came through to the other side. Also know that my son was in no danger. It did make me more aware of myself, and this problem, and that it’s not going to “go away”. That it is more likely to get worse now that it had reared its head once more, and that if it were to get worse, nobody’s safety would be guaranteed.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. We’re going to start off treating things without pharmaceuticals, but I need to start opening myself up to that possibility if necessary. This is step one. This is admitting that I have a problem.

PS: It’s Mental Health Awareness Week.  Seriously.

PPS: I’m working on another custom mobile. I can’t even express how exciting it is to have someone actually buy shit I want to make.